The English Patient

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⭐4/10

This was our romance movie of choice for our anniversary, and we couldn't even get through it (blaming this movie if our marriage falls apart). It's not even 3 hours but feels like the longest movie I've ever seen. We watched until we needed a bathroom break, and our hearts sank when we realized we were only 1 hour in (I find that the quick bathroom break is always telling). Then we watched for another eternity, paused it, realized only 40 minutes had passed, and we were out. 

This movie is wildly boring. It's weird, non-linear format makes it confusing and there is just nothing going on. But the biggest sin is just that the romance is completely unconvincing. I was high on Fiennes after watching Conclave, but he seems just as celibate in this movie as that. Yes, he has a beautiful voice and accent, but he is the least bangable guy imaginable here. These are major neckbeard, incel vibes, reciting poetry at the wrong times, always trying to teach his romantic interest and woo her with his intelligence and artful tastes. 

Also the romantic interest is married. I hate, hate, hate this trope. Stop doing this. She is a bad partner and this match was instantly impossible to cheer for. 

I am always a sucker for epic war romance movies, and this one had a few nice set pieces, a few good lines, and lots of good accents. But this movie sucked. Watch Atonement instead. 

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