The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

⭐6/10

You know, I came in hot last movie with the take that these movies are good, actually. Well here's another hot take: the reason we think poorly of this series is because of this movie alone. While I genuinely enjoyed 1 and 2, I can confidently say that this movie is a true stinker almost in a way similar to the third entry in the Star Wars sequels. 

For the record, I actually think the opening, the fight with Smaug, is totally sweet. I was fine with the decision to put that here instead of the end of the last movie, because I really did like how the last one ends. The battle is epic, the destruction super tangible, and Bard got that sweet moment as a hero. 

But immediately after that this movie goes downhill quickly. The dialogue after that scene, where all the Laketown people are washed up on the beach, is oddly super terrible. I haven't mentioned the writing once in these reviews because it's been mostly passable. But this one has Kili telling Tauriel "come with me. I know how I feel - I'm not afraid!" And then Legolas is watching, and I guess it's a love triangle even though Legolas never once acts like he likes her? It's all very weird. Plus we start getting WAY too much Alfrid who I don't even hate the idea of, but he has more screen time in this movie than Bilbo. 

I guess that's the issue. There are some decent moments in this movie, but it is weighed down by some straight up awful stuff from the unconvincing Tauriel/ Kili romance (I love Thranduil having to tell us "because it was real" cuz otherwise I'd have no idea), the awful Thorin stuff (again, not a terrible idea but awful execution), some bad writing anytime Bard is involved, and then way to much Alfrid which is constant tonal whiplash. This one struggles the most with the balance of adult themes in a kid's movie. 

But this movie is like 2 hours of fighting, and while I like fighting, this all felt pretty meaningless and silly. I know these are not like, tactical, historical fights, but I had to laugh at the dwarves setting up a pike wall only for the elves to hop over it and make it meaningless. Why?? Still, there are some cool moments, like Legolas's fight with Bolg (the gravity-defying stairs are cool, in fact) and Thranduil cutting off those heads. It's actually a bit of a funny fight because it all feels so light and silly, but then they have to kill off 3 main characters because they die in the books. The treatment of those deaths is completely different in the books and I think that's just a great example of how they never got the tone right in these movies. 

So yeah, this movie is not good. The worst of the three by quite a margin, but I will still admit I had enough fun watching and still think this series is a fun jump into Middle-earth. I'm glad I could go back with lower expectations and just enjoy them for what they are: imperfect adventure movies inside my favorite fictional universe