Super Mario 64

⭐ 4.0/10

(Originally written by Joseph)

I played this as part of the Switch's 3D all-stars. It is a beloved game, so I know this score will come as a personal insult to at least 1 person here. This game is over 20 years old and the first of its kind. I wanted to play it more as a history lesson and experience what kids at the time felt was the greatest game ever. I gave it an honest try, but this game is straight up too outdated at this point.

The main issues are the camera and the controls. The game is all about precision platforming, but it is just so hard to get a camera angle where you can measure the distance or even, you know, see your character. As for controls, it feels like I'm trying to thread a needle with two oven mitts on. Everything just feels slippery and clumsy which exactly what you don't want in this kind of game.

I never played this game as a kid, so I have no nostalgic love for this game. Because it is a platforming game with bad platforming, it doesn't have much else to redeem itself to me. The music and sound effects wore me pretty thin because it's so repetitive, and I could never explain to you what the Mario universe is about. We take it for granted now, but how many drugs were the creators on when thinking up this weird ass game?

Hard games like this are also supposed to create a sense of satisfaction, but I don't feel like it's hard in a traditional way, because you are mostly contending with outdated mechanics. Getting a star is like regaining control of your car that was sliding in snow. You're relieved, sure, but not satisfied and mostly mad at yourself for driving in those conditions.

So yeah, I give it a few stars because of its historical significance, as well as a few aspects I found endearing like funny dialogue, classic level names, etc. I also had a good time sharing clips of me dying with friends. But if you're thinking this game holds up and you should play it for the first time in 2020, you are probably not going to enjoy yourself.